Ginger Snaps
by Anna Rousseau
Summary: During the hiatus, anything can happen in the hands of us fic writers and none of the characters complain, but silently Ginger fumes, at breaking point...


Title: 'Ginger Snaps'  
Author: Anna Rousseau annadelamico@yahoo.co.uk  
Genre: Humour/Parody  
Category: Ginger/Cast  
Rating: PG  
Last Episode Seen: 'The Midterms'  
Spoilers: Seasons 1 & 2  
Archive: Yes please, just tell me where.  
  
Summary: The West Wing staff are extremely busy during the hiatus, the time when West Wing fans start cranking out fanfiction like crazed Energizer bunnies and they duly have to act out what ever plot we put to them while Mr Sorkin has a rest...but in a corner of the Communications bullpen, Ginger sits, fuming and nearly at breaking point.  
  
Notes: This is an idea I picked up from an ER fic I once read, can't think of its title at the moment, and I had a late night brainwave. Sorry if the humour is off-the-wall, I have a strange idea of what is funny. Basically this is a parody of West Wing fanfiction, of course I'm not getting at anyone (WW fic is excellent), but I was wondering what it would be like to take the aspect of the characters having to act out our plots....read and see.  
  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended, to the West Wing, Aaron Sorkin or John Wells, and no hard feelings from WW ficwriters please. Read, laugh if you like and be merry.  
  
  
'GINGER SNAPS'  
==============  
  
Ginger sighed.   
  
There it was again, the noise of Toby Ziegler's damned rubber balls bouncing on and off his office walls. Ginger tried the best she could to block out the annoying sound, but in the end she just ended up making the sounds coming from Toby's office seem more and more annoying.  
  
*BANG*!  
  
The ball started to be thrown against the window that divided Toby Ziegler's office from that of his deputy, making an even more irritating noise.  
  
"I can't take it anymore!" A voice from the Deputy Communications Director's office was raised in irritation. "Cathy, I'm going to the Roosevelt room to mope about Mallory, then I'm going to Josh's office to tell him I'm marrying Donna if anyone wants me."  
  
A few seconds later, Sam Seaborn stormed out of his office with a laptop under one arm, and a pile of books balanced under the other. He made for the door of the Communications bullpen, but not before he fell over his own feet.  
  
"Uh, I hate it when that happens," Sam stated as he picked himself up from the floor and duly fell over a book he dropped, finally ending up at Ginger's feet.  
  
"Haven't they quit making you bump into things and falling over stuff?" Cathy asked from where she was trying to read a the note on some flowers that were addressed to CJ.  
  
Sam shook his head, "Must be a fic trend. Like those *damned* bouncing balls. Everyone's got them in their stories this summer."  
  
Ginger groaned as the thumping noise got louder and louder, "Tell me about it. It's like Japanese water torture."  
  
"Chinese, you mean," Sam corrected, checking his schedule on Cathy's desk, managing to hit his head on her desklamp as he bent over to read the diary.  
  
"Oriental water torture then," Ginger said rolling her eyes. "I wish the'd hurry up with the hiatus, I am getting *so* annoyed with banter... what about the politics, this is the White House for heaven's sake."  
  
"When Sorkin gets back from rehab, it won't be soon enough, I don't know how much more of this masochistic torture I can take," Sam agreed, rubbing his head. "Cathy, what have I got today? I can't read your writing, and don't give me the whole Salvador Dali story, Donna told me that already."  
  
Cathy stuffed as many of Sam's special doughnuts in her mouth as she could, feigning innocence when Sam gave her an accusatory look, "Uh...at 11am you're gonna come out after Donna finds you throwing meaningful amd soulful looks at Josh."  
  
Sam gave her a puzzled look, "I thought I already came out."   
  
"This person wants you to come out at a Press Briefing, and not just to the West Wing staff," Cathy explained. "Then at 12am you have to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting."  
  
"This is because..." Sam asked, fishing for a reason why he was a junkie.  
  
Cathy raised her eyebrows, "The pills you were popping at the Al Kiefer lunch in LA, remember."  
  
"Right," Sam nodded. He then paused and looked up from a book he was flicking through, promptly shutting it on his finger. He cursed under his breath. "Hey, I thought it was a brain tumour."  
  
CJ Cregg appeared in the bullpen and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, Spanky. Don't you remember, it was only a dream...you woke up in the shower...or something."  
  
Ginger stared at the whole scene in disbelief; the story lines this summer were getting more and more complicated, and quite ridiculous.  
  
Cathy passed CJ the note and bunch of flowers, "Toby's gonna have to rearrange your first wedding anniversary dinner for 10pm."  
  
CJ grabbed the note impatiently, "I can't do 10pm, tell him will you. I'm going to the movies with Gail and Danny....great," she looked up from the note and stared at Sam, "apparently Toby is too busy because he's having an affair with you."  
  
Sam turned a greenish colour, "Cathy, cancel my 7pm with Toby."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm disgusted?" Sam replied, his face showing his disgustment.  
  
"Not good enough."  
  
"Because the idea of sex with Toby is repulsive," Sam elaborated looking repulsed at such a repulsive prospect.   
  
CJ nodded and sighed, "How come I either get Toby or Danny...I'm an prime woman, a woman in her prime. I want you Sam, or Josh...or maybe both of you...I'm desperate." Her tone became desperate, "Come on, I'm great in bed."  
  
Carol turned up behind CJ and showed her a folder, "I just got this off the net, looks like you are in luck."  
  
CJ grinned broadly, knowing she was in luck, "Ahh," she pointed at Sam. "My office, 10pm be prepared to cry on my shoulder about your Dad and then have some pity sex."  
  
Sam shook his head, "Sorry, at 10pm I have to go to Mallory's place, apologise about not telling her about the photographs of Laurie and me, make her feel sorry for me about my father having a mistress, then," he smiled happily, "we're having a hot, explicit, NC-17 rated, uninterrupted night of passion."  
  
"Drat, drat and double drat," CJ cursed as she stomped her foot. "Guess I have to just engage in some banter with Josh, then."  
  
"Ginger, come here and carry my books for me," Sam ordered sternly.  
  
Ginger raised an eyebrow, "Sam, you don't do stuff like this...you're supposed to be nice."  
  
"Oh, someone's characterisation isn't quite right," Sam apologised. "Yesterday they wanted me to *yell* at Donna for not bringing me coffee."  
  
"Strange," Ginger breathed as she was laden with law books. "Donna doesn't do coffee for *anyone*."  
  
Sam, who was heading out of the bullpen at that moment, turned around (in a very clumsy manner of course, just about keeping his balance), "Oh CJ, I was have to drop by and throw Josh another meaningful look on the way to moping about Mallory, so I'll come with you."  
  
"Are you gonna do that superhero thing that you've been doing recently?" CJ asked hopefully.  
  
"The thing where I get somewhere really quick, cos I'm Robin?" Sam replied, his elbow not quite clearing the doorway ('Ow!' he winced).  
  
CJ grinned, "I'll do The Jackal for you."  
  
"Sorry, CJ...Batman has to be with me before I can do that," Sam said apologetically as he stumbled over a banana skin Ainsley Hayes had just dropped on the floor as she walked past. "Ainsley, don't forget at 5:30 we have to argue about Republicans then dance, or something."  
  
Ainsley clutched her stomach and waved him off, "Sorry, they've got me eating *all* sorts of things...I think I'd puke all over you if we had to dance."  
  
"'Kay," Sam nodded, not really bothered (after all he was going to get lucky with Mallory tonight, and after being stuck smooching with Josh for the past few days, heterosexual activity was a relief). "I don't like Republicans, anyway."  
  
Ginger's arms ached under the weight of Sam's books, "Are you actually using these for anything?"  
  
"No," Sam replied giving her his bemused expression whilst looking as endearing as ever. "You think they write about us for the *politics*?"  
  
"Some do, but for some reason they're obsessed with our sex lives," CJ interjected, then grabbing and kissing Danny Concanon as he walked past her.  
  
"How come I don't get a decent story," Ginger glared, getting tired of following CJ and Sam down the endless corridors that someone with tremendous foresight must have designed when the White House was built; they were incredibly useful for the Senior Staff's walk-and-talk sessions.  
  
"I'll ask my sources," CJ replied, as they neared Josh's bullpen. "I think you'll have to take it up with Sorkin, Schlamme and Wells, though...because the fic writers will just set you up with Toby if you're not careful."  
  
Ginger groaned, her eyes forming menacing slits, "I always get Toby. It's not fair."  
  
Sam looked at her with empathy, "You think I like getting set up with that air-head Republican woman with the big pointy shoe thingies."  
  
"Those would be high-heels, Sam," CJ corrected, as they turned around another ahllway in the never ending labyrinth which was the corridors of the West Wing. She opened her mouth to comment on how Sam was so ineloquent yet was a speechwriter, but was immediately silenced.  
  
"If another person comments on my ineloquency and how it doesn't fit 'cause I'm a speech writer," Sam fumed, his hands clenching into fists. The threat was left unfinished as Sam suddenly changed the subject, "Y'know, Sorkin has done that twice."  
  
"Done what?" CJ asked, not even noticing that this was the fourth time they'd passed the Roosevelt Room.  
  
Sam cocked his head to one side, deep in thought, "Made me comment on women's shoes, well namely their heels and how they're clompy and they crush your heart with them."  
  
Ginger frowned, "Is 'clompy' even a word?"  
  
"Don't even think about one of those ineloquency comments, Ginger," Sam threatened as they finally rounded a corner and entered Josh's bullpen.   
  
CJ stopped dead. Sam and Ginger collided into her and piles of folders, books and a laptop flew up into the air, a few of them hitting Sam across the head as they obeyed the laws of gravity.  
  
"It's snowing outside."  
  
"That's absurd," Sam winced as he rubbed his head. He contemplated his last statement, "Can snow be absurd?"  
  
Ginger's features tensed as her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands, "They've already done a snow-in story this year."  
  
Toby appeared at CJ's side, five rubber balls held in one of his hands, the other stroking his beard.   
  
"Damn," Toby then raised his voice and slammed his free hand on Donna's unoccupied desk, "PLAGARISTS!"  
  
Sam and CJ were completely unfazed by Toby's tendancies to shout halfway through a sentence. It had become a common occurance recently.  
  
Ginger scowled.  
  
***  
  
  
"I was just saying-"  
  
"No, you weren't, you were *stating* it, like I shouldn't contest your views because you're so obviously right, because you're the guy."  
  
"Hey, I don't like your tone of voice, Donnatella."  
  
"So now I'm supposed to change my tone of voice to one that *you* like," Donna put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Typical male, Joshua."  
  
Josh Lyman leant forwards in his chair and shook his head, "I was just saying, and if you will let me finish a sentence for *once*, that I personally prefer liquid soap to bars of soap."  
  
"No you weren't," Donna replied with a sigh. "You were telling me that everyone should like liquid soap, because you do."  
  
Josh raised his eyebrows, "And they shouldn't?"  
  
Donna turned on her heel and pulled open the door to the bullpen, both she and Josh let out a yelp as Sam, CJ and Ginger fell into Josh's office. As could be predicted, Sam managed to hit his head as tumbled to the floor, grunting as both CJ and Ginger landed directly on top of him.  
  
CJ grinned sheepishly, "I can't resist soap dialogue."  
  
Josh smiled happily, reclining in his chair, "I know, isn't banter great? Forget the politics, repartee is the life for me."  
  
The three staffers on Josh's floor picked themselves up as Donna stepped around them, "Hey, Josh. Your 3:30 with Joey Lucas got cancelled."  
  
"Aww," Josh replied, trying hard to look saddened to hear this news. "Why?"  
  
"The fic never got finished." Donna replied, glowering at Josh, "I thought you loved me, not Joey."  
  
Josh looked flustered, "Is this part of a fic or for real? Because, I can never tell anymore." Josh turned his attention to Sam, CJ and Ginger, "What are you three doing here, anyway?"  
  
"Banter."  
  
"Meaningful looks."  
  
"Carrying books around like a slave," Ginger was no longer going to suffer in silence. No, the time had come, her minute of triumph. She would show them that she had not come to the White house to be their menial.   
  
Ginger threw the books she had just picked up on top of Sam's toes, prompting a squeal of agony. "Who do you people think you are, anyway? I came here to work in politics, but instead all I do is act like a bimbo secretary whose main aim in life is to either give people telephone messages, flick her hair or every so often act as a sex object for every male, or even female, senior staffer in this damned building who is having a personal crisis."  
  
Josh, Sam, CJ and Donna looked on, mouths gaping slightly as Ginger continued her vicious condemnation of the summer hiatus and the efforts of fic writers.   
  
"I mean, does nobody even think it's slightly strange that our lived are controlled by people that we don't even know?" Ginger contested, her hair falling about her face as she started to shake with anger, "Does anyone around here consider how ridiculous it is that nearly every staffer in the main cast is either homosexual or bisexual, and has no qualms about engaging in rampant sex with whoever happens to be available? There isn't a person here who questions the plausibilty of people openly having three-somes or even mass orgies. I mean, for Christ's sake, where did anyone get the idea that any one of us is gay? Half of you have have been married on the show, none of you has displayed any homosexual traits," Ginger took a breath, "well, except Josh, but that's just Josh."  
  
Josh's back straightened, "Hey, I don't act gay."  
  
Ginger snorted, "Yeah right. And another point-"  
  
"I think that you've had your say, Ginger," Sam cut in, signalling to the Secret Service agent who was waiting outside the door.  
  
Ginger had just realised the consequences of her outburst, as a whole platoon of agents in dark suits appeared in the Deputy Chief of Staff's bullpen.  
  
"How dare you question the authority of the ficwriters," CJ said, folding her arms. "Nobody challenges the ability of the haitus' Powers That Be. We serve at the pleasure of the fic writers."  
  
Josh nodded and placed his hand on his heart, "I serve at the pleasure of the fanfic writers."  
  
Sam bowed his head solemly, "I serve at the pleasure of the West Wing fanfic community."  
  
Donna's voice was the most partriotic of them all as the National Anthem crept into the still atmosphere of the office, "I serve at the pleasure of the West Wing fanfiction authors. What do you say, Toby?"  
  
Toby peered around the doorway, his hand covering his mouth. He mumbled, "God bless-" his volume increased without warning, "the FANFIC WRITERS!"  
  
"God bless the fanfic writers," Sam murmered in quiet contemplation.  
  
CJ looked to the ceiling in sheer admiration of TBTB, "God bless the fanfic writers."  
  
"God bless the fanfic writers," Donna proclaimed with a small sigh.  
  
Josh raised his arms in triumph, "God bless the fanfic writers!"  
  
Ginger stared at them, "You're all crazy...every one of you. You...you FOOLS!"  
  
Sam's demeanour became cold and austere, "Do you want me to fire her, Josh? I'm good at firing people."  
  
Josh moved from behind his desk and put a hand on his hip, "That's a matter for Sorkin to decide."  
  
The senior staffers stood with uncomprimising looks on their faces as Ginger was ushered out of the office, kicking and screaming, "Accept the truth, they're contolling your lives! KILL THE FANFIC WRITERS!!!"  
  
Sam looked at CJ then turned to Josh as the Communications assistant's yells faded into the distance as she was hurled off to the offices of Sorkin, Schlamme and Wells.  
  
"She's had it," CJ commented thoughtfully. Snapping out of her contemplation of Ginger's fate, she sighed and gave Sam and Josh a beguiling smile.   
  
"I know what you're thinking," Sam said, raising an eyebrow. "You can't get us without a fic."  
  
"I have friends in the fic cricles," CJ confided with a flick of her hair, slapping a shocked Sam on the butt. "See you two soon."  
  
Sam and Josh grumbled inwardly as CJ left the office, speedily grabbing Danny as he walked past, pinning him against a wall she gave him a mind-numbing kiss.  
  
"Hey, Josh," Sam said softly, placing a hand on his friend's fore-arm. Sam looked meaningfully and soulfully into Josh's eyes, soon the two deputies became lost in the windows of each other's souls.  
  
"Sam," Josh whispered, concern evident in his voice. "Do I act gay?"  
  
***  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
Feedback is devoured! Archive, yes please, just tell me where. Tell me what you think, this is my first attempt at a WW spoof.  
  
annadelamico@yahoo.co.uk 


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